becoming comfortable with uncertainty.

Time to make a change and start living.

Lately I have felt like the universe has been out to punish me for something in my childhood. These past few month has been testing my mental and physical health. I had been at a complete loss as to how to pull myself out of the funk. I knew I needed to make a big change in how I live my life, but at first I really was hesitant in making any big changes. Then I got a confidence boost from my personal career coach, and started making moves. But my old habit of playing it safe came back and put me back in a bad cycle. Here is what happened and where I am now:

Last November (2020) I quit working at a retail store because it had become as super toxic environment. It was a good job for my wallet but not good enough for my mental health. The strain on my mental health was becoming unbearable.Outside of work I think everyone there were great people , but during work there was a micro management style working environment : Numbers first, Workers second mentality ( I hear they are doing much better now). With the pandemic stress and the lack of me doing something I was truly passionate about, I had to leave. I had found out about a super opportunity to get myself back in the theatre. So it seemed like the perfect time to jump the retail ship and make way back to the art life. But of course the pandemic is keeping that opportunity at bay for now. So I needed to gain some short term employment to at least be able to carry me potentially till the end of 2021.

I decided to return to a different retail store where I had previously worked and only left due to the low pay. Since this time around money wasn’t too big an issue and it had a nice working environment, I went back. I for some reason was way to confident in this job. I thought “Surely, they will keep me on for another contract after this short one because the world was slowly reopening here and they will need people.” I was happy. I was content. I was waiting for lockdown to end and for the theatres to open back up so I could slowly transition. Then my body decided to betray me by sending me to the hospital for an emergency surgery. I was pregnant and had an ectopic pregnancy which needed to be removed. I was devastated.

Upon returning to work, my mood was super low, even though I had a smile on my face and would tell people I was fine, I was not. I felt like I was making some minor mistakes as if I had never work this job before, plus I physical limitations due to my surgery. I felt I wasn’t of much use there anymore, and apparently they didn't think so either. Whether it was truly the expense of my contract being up for a permanent renewal or the fact that I was making small mistakes respectably due to my mental state, my contract was not renewed. Hearing this news made my heart sank even lower. This news was not in my plans. I was not prepared at all.

I started to spiral into thoughts of “I never should have quit the first retail job, I should’ve just stayed in the toxic environment and hoped it became better.”

Now, we are nearing the end of the covid pandemic and I am nearing the end of this job. I was so scared that this was the worst thing that could have happened to me, but I am starting to realise that this could be the start of something amazing for me. These jobs were security blankets for my soul and for my bank account. They were JUST survival jobs, and I have survived. Now I need to start living.

(Side note: If I could find a survival job or entry level job that allowed me a working environment that would secure my basic human needs and also give me time for me to explore my passions , have fun, and just live, then I would love to do that. A girl can dream)

I’m finally trying things that I have been putting off due to fear, failure, and money. I’ve started learning process for some new skills and relearning some old ones. I’ve even properly started this blog that I have been putting off since 2009!

I have been closing myself off from success and possibility for too long. This chapter in my life ( and frankly all of our lives due to the pandemic) has taught me that nothing in this life is certain or guaranteed, and that is okay. Giving into the excitement of not exactly knowing for is next for me, instead of giving into the fear.

I’m committed to using this uncertain time to better my well-being and self. Have you had a moment in your life that made you realise you needed a change? What are you doing/did to move forward and not stay stuck in a cycle that isn’t serving you?