ectopic pregnancy & me.

This represents what my reproductive system has now become. I am now without my left Fallopian tube. Image by Duvet Days

** This is a long personal story.** **If you are more interested in a TL:DR version, I will eventually post that on my instagram.**

February, I was in a crazy mode of nesting. I was all over this internet searching baby and pregnancy life. All I could think about was “ I want to be a mom” and “how to prepare”. Last year, Toni and I had discussed that we would start trying, and we did. Although we also intentionally planned on not trying during my ovulation and mixed in protected sex. Because as much as we loved the ideal of having a child and all, we were secretly still feeling not ready. We still wanted to save up a little bit more. We still wanted to go on holiday without bringing children and our dog. We still wanted one more year honestly to ourselves. But we also knew my age was starting to became a bit of a factor, so we decided if on the off chance that we do become pregnant then yay! So during mid February when I was having that huge surge of emotions and trying to ready myself for a future pregnancy, it turns out I was pregnant the whole time.

March. I had no ideal, until like most people, my period did not show up on the day it was scheduled. I’ve had late periods in the past and I also thought I hadn’t been the best keeping track of it. So I thought maybe my timing was off. I gave myself a few days and if by then my period was a no show, I would buy a test. A few days came and went with no period so it was time to get a test. Now, being my silly self, I didn’t want to get a generic test. I wanted a clear word answer, not lines, which is all that was in stock at my local store. So I ordered one of the “fancy” ones that tell you how far along you are and all that jazz. It took another two days for it to get delivered to me due to covid delays. By the time the test arrived my period, or so I thought, had also arrived. I had gotten a little excited about the thought that I could have been pregnant but at the same time I was a little relieved that my period did show up. Then I noticed my period didn’t want to stop. Which I thought was also weird but I thought to myself “Hey, I’ve had an extra day or two of spotting before so this must be that.” Well even after that time had past, I was still bleeding, and started to become very nervous. My thoughts told me that I must be having a miscarriage. I called my sister, who is an OBGYN, and told her what was happening, and asked should I see a doctor. The first thing she said was yes and to immediately take that pregnancy test as I could be pregnant with some kind of complication. I did, and I was pregnant. Toni and I were so excited to find that out, but in the same moment we knew that the bleeding wasn’t a good sign. My sister told us to prepare for not so good news.

Best case: I was having some sort implantation bleeding from the baby and that the pregnancy was just going to be a cautious one.

The next best case: I was having a natural early pregnancy loss (aka miscarriage) and that I could try again for a child when the bleeding stops.

Worse case: Ectopic pregnancy.

So with these scenarios in our heads we went to the doctor. We were leaning towards hearing that I was having a natural loss, because it is a normal occurrence when first trying to get pregnant. So we were mentally prepared for that. Though she didn’t seem comfortable with the amount of time lost and blood I was losing., our doctor looked me over and said, it must be a miscarriage. She sent me home with caution that if I was having more pain than the cramps, that I should go to the hospital. That night I indeed had more severe pain, but for some stupid reason didn’t go to the hospital because I felt that it needed to feel way worse ( DO NOT be like me. If you are in any pain go to the hospital!) So that next day the doctor called me and sent me to the hospital. She didn't feel right not sending me directly after that first visit.

At the hospital, I had an ultrasound and my blood drawn. My ultrasound seemed very positive at first. There was nothing in my uterus and they couldn’t see anything around my ovaries. She did notice some blood floating about near my left ovary, but she couldn’t see any tears or obstructions. I was sent home to wait for my blood test results. My blood work came back the next day, and my HCG (pregnancy hormones) levels were high, so they asked me to come back to the hospital the next day for another blood test. To make sure that my HCG levels drop.

By this time my bleeding had started to slow down and I was feeling a little better with far less pain. I thought I must be healing, and Toni and I started to relax. We had maybe been away from the hospital for about an hour and a half or so ,when they called us to return immediately. The second blood test results came back with an even higher level of HCG, which meant I was still pregnant and not having a miscarriage.

I had another ultrasound were I saw and heard my fetus’s heartbeat. It was nestled in my left Fallopian tube hidden behind the ovary. For a passing moment, my heart was so full of love and joy, but I knew this meant ectopic pregnancy, and I was crushed. If caught early enough you have the option for a potential short series of a chemotherapy shots. I did not have this option as the pregnancy was too far long. Plus I had come to find out it had ruptured the fallopian tube and I was internally bleeding. I knew my only real option was emergency surgery and the removal of my tube. I was and still am devastated that I didn’t go get checked sooner.

We cried and held each other. We called family and cried some more. I was lucky it was a Sunday because that meant Toni was allowed to stay with me in the hospital the entire process. Due to Covid restrictions, normally I would have had to be there all alone. Since they don’t schedule normal appointments on Sundays, the hospital was super empty. Everyone there including the security were super sweet & understanding, so they turned a blind eye to letting him stay with me. I am sure there were others like me who were not so lucky and had to go through that crushing process alone.

Of Course, Toni tried to cheer me up before surgery and after my surgery, I may have said some weird things because of the anaesthesia, which cheered him up. I ended up staying overnight because my surgery was late in the evening and I was really slow coming out of my anaesthesia. I was not coherent at all.

The weeks that followed were a blur. One minute I would be happy, smiling, and then the next minute I would be in a complete breakdown. I was blessed with flowers and a few home visits from friends and family. It has been about four months since post operation, and I am still mentally healing. I am still so nervous for the future of my fertility, and the overall health of my reproductive system. Even though I know that there was nothing I could have done to keep my body from doing this, I kept looking for what I did wrong? Was I not healthy? Did I do too much heavy lifting at work? Was I too overweight? But the fact is that my left tube was most likely just bad from the beginning.

So that is my story. Again, I’m still in the healing process, but I will keep you updated on my fertility journey and hopefully sooner than later a pregnancy journey. I knew about other types of early pregnancy losses but not this version. Not until it happened to me. Ectopic pregnancies are generally rare but I hope this helps you stay on top of your own physical health and to pay attention to you body. Ectopic pregnancy if left untreated as soon as possible, can be fatal for the mother. If you know someone who has had any type of pregnancy loss, please be kind and show them love and support. We may be smiling on the outside but are hurting on the inside.

For more information on Ectopic Pregnancy and/or Pregnancy loss, visit March of Dimes (US) or The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust (UK). They have great resources!

xoxo,

Kenosha Renae